the man card

It’s funny how many of my blog ideas come directly from conversations with Justin. Today, to relieve some brain overload, I decided to swipe his phone. I had no real plans for his phone, but as soon as I opened it, I realized a plan would not be necessary. The phone displayed a picture of a cat.

Of course, as mandated by the code, I immediately demanded his man card. Then I had to explain what a man card was, which in itself is arguably grounds for demanding someone’s man card, but I decided to let this go. I explained that a man card is basically a man’s license to be a man. In retrospect, I should have said that a man card is a man’s birth certificate to manhood. If it is determined by another man that a man card had been issued too early, such as when a man has pictures of cats on his phone display, then the man card must be revoked.

Of course, an asinine argument ensued. Very fun. Now, before you ask me why a man isn’t allowed to have a cat on his cell phone, I need you to ask yourself a few simple questions. 1) Are you a woman? 2) Are you Justin? 3) Are you taking this post way too seriously? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then there’s a very good chance you’re not qualified to answer the age old question – In what circumstances is it appropriate to demand a person’s man card? Let’s explore this.

A man asks, “How long is a quarter in basketball?” This is really nowhere close enough to warrant suspension of a man card. Some of the manliest men don’t like sports, and some sports fans just don’t prefer basketball. I will say that a non-sports fan coupled with another seemingly innocent indicator, such as crying during E.T., is a fairly conclusive sign that a man card needs revoking.

A man stops and asks directions after having been lost for less than half an hour or 20 miles. I’m not proud of this, but man card revoked.

A man goes to the doctor after being sick for less than three days. Well – it depends. Does he have kids? If so, he might just be trying to avoid spreading illness. Also – does the guy just have a runny nose, or is he bleeding from the eyes. Generally speaking, if the man looks like a zombie at the doctor’s office, let him keep his man card. Also – run.

A man is in the passenger seat navigating and a woman driving has to point out to him that he’s holding the map upside down. Man card revoked.

A man wears a band-aid. Once again, it depends. If he has daughters, he’s allowed to wear band-aids, but only if A) the daughter puts it on, and B) it’s either pink, princess, or Dora the Explorer. In all other cases, man card revoked. If this seems a biased response – then give me your man card.

Spiders scare a man. Nah – he’s good. But if his reaction to spiders is to jump on his tiptoes, back away, squeal, and/or cry, get his man card. And slap him around a bit.

I implied before that neither sports knowledge nor sports appreciation is required to maintain possession of a man card. But if he ever walks into a room where an NFL game is on and he turns the channel to anything else but another NFL game, he loses his man card. And throw food at him.